Effects of SA non-compliance on spouse

[legibleink]

Good morning. This is a note to all non-compliant SA patients. My husband is one of you. He is a hard working man that loves me with all this being. Our relationship is stuff of legend. We are such a fantastic team when we work together. However..... He has had severe OSA for all of the 20+ years I've known him. He was diagnosed 10 years ago when I drug him to the dr. He had surgery to correct a deviated septum, but all that did was set him up so that the CPAP could do its job of getting the air through. He refused to use the CPAP so we got a BiPap. He used it for 5 months and then just stopped. He does not deny that he has it. He just doesn't want to treat it. He says it doesn't affect him. Other than being cranky and moody, he's right. All physicals and blood work come back fine.

Let me tell you what it does affect. Me. My pleas have fallen deaf ears. You think that I will just "get over" this, but I can't because the effects of SA can be the same for the bed partner as for the patient.

I suffer from sleep deprivation, too. I don't want to sleep on the couch. We don't have a spare bedroom since we downsized. I'm stuck with you. As the dr told you sleep deprivation can lead to health problems. Stress on the body - check! Weight gain - check! (50#) Insulin resistance - check! High BP - check! (180/105 or some where in there regularly). Your SA has killed your sex drive. It's killed any desire to even have physical contact (hugs, kisses, hand holding, caresses) You say that's ok, you don't care. I do. I want a husband, not a roommate. Lack of physical contact can contribute to high Bp in women just as having physical contact can lower Bp in women. Have you researched high Bp? No, that's right. It's my problem. You don't want to know. You were surprised to learn that the effects of untreated high Bp are stroke, heart attack, heart disease, kidney failure, and death. Yes, DEATH. Guess what - the treatment for high Bp has some pretty bad side effects, too.

In an effort to correct my health problems, I have improved my diet (which you help me with and even joy yourself). I exercise more. I've had blood work done and have taken the corrective measures. I do yoga. I get chiropractic adjustments and massage therapy -which I would do anyway because of my job. All these things should improve the high Bp in a woman who always had low Bp - even through two pregnancies. In all these things, you have supported me. But the big thing still remains - the sleep deprivation. You wake me up with your noises. I try to fall back asleep, but the sounds are loud, scary, and unnerving. Frankly the longer I lay there, the more P*ssed off I get. P*ssed that you don't take care of yourself. P*ssed that you don't care enough about me to treat this problem. P*ssed off people don't sleep.

In a last ditch effort to improve my health and save our marriage, I give you two weeks to start some type of therapy. BiPap, dental implant, hypnotism to help with the face mask fear, what do you need?

If you do not do something in two weeks, I will be forced to go on Bp meds. I will hate you with every pill I take. Every. Single. Pill. So when you wonder why your wife is emotionally cold, look at yourself. This is the marriage that you made. If your spouse dies from some health problem that was created by you not treating your SA, then you are responsible for the death. Remember that, because our children will.

[PoolQ]

I hear you and have hear similar from others in the past. A friend of mine had a husband with diabetes that he refused to take care of. Foul mood, grumpy and just a real pain to be around. Way too many trips to the ER. Final outcome was that she left him because "she did not want to just hang around and watch him die". Not suggesting that you will get to this point, just how serious this type of situation can get.

Oh and he said he felt fine also.

In both these cases it sounds more like a counseling issue, unless of course the CPAP was never adjusted comfortably in the first place.

Hang in there with YOUR health

[justMongo]

At 180/105 he better get on BP meds.

[Evpraxia]

I sympathize with you. Is it possible that your husband has caused enough brain damage that he no longer thinks rationally? This happened to my father. He was finally declared legally incompetent and I was his legal guardian; his signature meant NOTHING legally...mine did...

He refused to wear his masks through even ONE night of treatment. My sister and I helped him get different machines and even sat up during a few nights to help him adjust the head gear and encourage him. Nope, no go.

He gave himself brain damage through lack of oxygen, damaged his own heart so that he had to have open heart surgery and have a new valve put in. Still he refused to use any XPAP or nose/face mask. He would fall asleep at the dinner table and land with his face in food. Finally he died, probably during an apnea event.

[legibleink]

Hubby works and does great in his job. He's highly thought of in his field. He has little memory capability when it comes to personal life. His childhood, our kids childhood, most of our memories as a couple - in fact he can't reflect back on many of the events of our honeymoon - or he changes the memory by putting two things together. I don't even argue with him. Not worth pointing out.

I have to stress, that for outward appearances, hubby is fine and healthy. His Bp is awesome! In fact it's almost too low. His blood work is of a man half his age. Testosterone is great. I can't imagine how he could be any healthier if he just treated the SA!

I'm the one with all the health issues. He has two weeks to get it back on tract or life as we know it in this household changes. I know I've threatened this many times, but now it's my Bp and I'm not screwing around anymore.

[justMongo]

Hubby works and does great in his job. He's highly thought of in his field. He has little memory capability when it comes to personal life. His childhood, our kids childhood, most of our memories as a couple - in fact he can't reflect back on many of the events of our honeymoon - or he changes the memory by putting two things together. I don't even argue with him. Not worth pointing out.

I have to stress, that for outward appearances, hubby is fine and healthy. His Bp is awesome! In fact it's almost too low. His blood work is of a man half his age. Testosterone is great. I can't imagine how he could be any healthier if he just treated the SA!

I'm the one with all the health issues. He has two weeks to get it back on tract or life as we know it in this household changes. I know I've threatened this many times, but now it's my Bp and I'm not screwing around anymore.

I misunderstood. You run a BP of 180/105 mm-Hg?

[legibleink]

Yup. Bp has been jumping around all over the place for the past 8 years. It gets high and then I find a way to bring it down naturally. It's good for awhile, then bounces back up. We recently moved to a new city and downsized our space. For the past couple of months I can't get the Bp down. Headaches and blurred vision started last week. I think I found a new dr that can help me without meds killing me. I'm really sad about all of this. It didn't have to be this way.

[trish6hundred]

Hi legibleink,
WELCOME! to the forum.!
I'm sure sorry to hear that your husband refuses to treat his sleep apnea and I hear you.
When my Dad had open-heart surgery several years ago, he had it so bad that, in the hospital, they tried to put a mask on him for SA and he raised all kinds of hell to me on the phone about it. He said to me, "Trish, I bet there was 15 pounds of pressure," and I told him no, it wasn't that much pressure and I also told him what a wimp he was and I said Wwhat are you makin' such a fuss about, you went under the knife for heart surgery, and yet you are complaining about pressure from a mask? and then I promptly reminded him again what a wimp he was.
I do hope your husband will reconsider his decision.
Hang in there and much success to you, do, take care of yourself and keep us posted.

[Evpraxia]

Hi legibleink,
WELCOME! to the forum.!
I'm sure sorry to hear that your husband refuses to treat his sleep apnea and I hear you.
When my Dad had open-heart surgery several years ago, he had it so bad that, in the hospital, they tried to put a mask on him for SA and he raised all kinds of hell to me on the phone about it. He said to me, "Trish, I bet there was 15 pounds of pressure," and I told him no, it wasn't that much pressure and I also told him what a wimp he was and I said Wwhat are you makin' such a fuss about, you went under the knife for heart surgery, and yet you are complaining about pressure from a mask? and then I promptly reminded him again what a wimp he was.
I do hope your husband will reconsider his decision.
Hang in there and much success to you, do, take care of yourself and keep us posted.

I Completely Understand. I hope your father changed his ways, but I suspect he did not.


When my father was in the CICU he had 1 on 1 staff with him and THEY could not keep the mask on him. They even used posey ties on his wrists (soft fabric to keep his hands away from his face and head) and he STILL moved his head enough to knock off the mask. I realized that he had enough dementia from his self-caused brain damage that there was NO reasoning with him and NO WAY to get him to keep the mask on. I gave up...He died a few years later a broken man physically and mentally. One of the hardest things I have ever dealt with.

[SaldusMiegas]

hi legibleink,

Sometimes I respond a little differently than people might expect, I think this will be one of them.

It's not likely your husband will read your note in this forum, since most everyone here is trying to manage and improve their SA therapy. But people do explore this place to learn about SA and the issues it creates, so your note will probably be helpful to someone you might never know who is thinking about SA and what to do about it. Thank you for that.

Many spouses have come by this place to express concern about their partner's health due to untreated SA and ask what they can do about it. You are the first one in the year I have been here who came by to tell us all about your own problems created by your spouse's SA.

Well to be fair several spouses have come to say how they have worried themselves sick over their spouse's untreated SA, but worrying about your spouse doesn't seem to be one of your problems. Maybe it comes out in a different way through anger in your case.

Sounds like high BP might be a chronic issue that maybe you are in denial about regarding its cause. It's been 8 years now that you have been wrestling with it, and congrats to you on all the effective and healthy ways you have kept it at bay up to now.

I'm not sure I buy the blood pressure increase from not getting enough sleep due to husband SA episodes. Seems like the cause of increased BP in SA patients is due to the body's response to lack of oxygen when they stop breathing. Not sure if that is an issue for you but I don't know about the bad effects of lack of sleep outside of suffering SA myself. Being royally PO'd and stressed out all the time now that can give a person a lot of health issues including high BP.

You seem to have a lot of stress in your life and forgive me for saying maybe in your marriage. Perhaps not all attributable to sleep apnea, but maybe it helps to focus on that as something to work together on.

Hope you get the help you need and feel better. If there is anything we can do please let us know. There is a lot of knowledge, experience, and compassion to be found here to help tame the SA monster for selves and spouses.

Hope you find this to be a welcoming and non threatening place to explore what you can do to help treat your unresponsive spouse's SA. And maybe free yourself and your husband from the bad effects of SA and reclaim some of the good things you deserve in life that used to take your breath away.

Saldus Miegas