Ethical dilemma or nosey parker

[Mark Douglas]

There was another person here fighting same battle but don't recall hearing from her of late.
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I recently destroyed a relationship with a friend butting in so I am trying really hard to mind my own biz. ;(
That said your IMO husbands health IS your biz.
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I think I would flat out tell him by NOT doing what you so reasonably ask of him - asking his doc for a consult he is showing disrespect for your concerns and if he collapses does he expect you to care for him because he brought it on to himself? If he refuses at that point you are married to someone I call malignant-stubborn and I have nothing else to offer.

inserted missing word

[Mark Douglas]

Now that is nosey. I think you have to get permission first to be ethically sound. Medical treatment is never forced either (for adults in the USA not considered insane and not a lethal threat to themselves or others...sorry, poor xPAP compliance probably doesn't qualify).

We can't put folks in jail for being alcoholics or smokers, either. Sometimes the price of being free in a free country is higher than it should be and does not always work out the way we want it to. Freedom requires personal responsibility to work well, which seems to be what may be lacking here. That we are our brothers' keepers is good, but it does not always mean we have control over the process or the outcome.

But there should be consequences for them not agreeing to #3; complaints would get the hand from me. You can't complain to me about something you will not do to fix your own situation if you also won't follow what I consider the only good advice available.

I guess what is surprising is that you have your very own Designated Hitter. I always felt the DH is what ruined MLB.

Sorry for hijack but this is not true. I am being medicated against my will and so are a lot of other people on a public water system.

[sansnap]

Sorry for hijack but this is not true. I am being medicated against my will and so are a lot of other people on a public water system.

LOL - yup hijack for sure... but my DH has a similar winge.

I'm fascinated to see that there are a variety of opinions on how to proceed and I guess they reflect my reluctance to move forward in some way.

My DH is a lovely but somewhat stubborn guy. He's intensely private as well and ordinarily I would not meddle but his health is important and now that I'm not exhausted all the time, I actually wake up more easily. The leaks and assorted noises bother me a bit. Plus he deserves to feel better than he currently seems to.

Keep the ideas coming... they are helpful.

[retired_guy]

Now that is nosey. I think you have to get permission first to be ethically sound.

I think wife's get a pass on that permission first thingy.........

Happily it's never an issue in my house. We have clearly established boundaries over which we do not transgress.

For instance, just yesterday I was at the doc's for a checkup and he said he was going to give me a pneumonia shot... He left the room and I told Mrs. R_G that wasn't going to happen. I feel fine I don't need no stinkin shot I don't want no stinkin shot and I'm not getting no stinkin shot. I absolutely put my foot down boy howdy.

Then I got the look..............................................

You know, it's amazing how sore your arm can be from one little shot.

[smokey57]

Any thoughts about this or leading a horse to water?

He really doesnt like to waste his time , I would imagine, and another Dr visit is prob seen as a time waster. My wife knew something was wrong, suggested I get a sleep study... but she was wrong . ( I know, how is that possible?) The machine was fine. BUT - because I ended up getting an Autosense it shows a sleep report, etc alot of what I couldnt get with my S6. Either way it was a good thing. So I did thank her for pushing me to do something about it.

[TyroneShoes]

Now that is nosey. I think you have to get permission first to be ethically sound.

I think wife's get a pass on that permission first thingy.........

Happily it's never an issue in my house. We have clearly established boundaries over which we do not transgress.

For instance, just yesterday I was at the doc's for a checkup and he said he was going to give me a pneumonia shot... He left the room and I told Mrs. R_G that wasn't going to happen. I feel fine I don't need no stinkin shot I don't want no stinkin shot and I'm not getting no stinkin shot. I absolutely put my foot down boy howdy.

Then I got the look..............................................

You know, it's amazing how sore your arm can be from one little shot.

OK, then let me rephrase:

I think it is important to get permission if you are not willing to live with the consequences of not getting that permission, and RG has just given us an example of how that can play out in ways you may not wish it to.

And I agree completely that it is not black and white; there are definitely blurred lines here about what might be the right course of action. You may feel that you are doing the right thing while whomever you are doing it to might disagree. Its a thorny issue, and I see value in either side of that decision, as well as trouble in either side. It is a classic moral dilemma. It's hard to know what might be the right thing.

But what seems to be crystal clear about this is that if you are going to go against someone's wishes I think it is always best to do it up front, and not surreptitiously, as that erodes trust and flirts with betrayal. "What they don't know won't hurt them" is always a condescendingly bad plan unless you are comfortable playing god. Unless you are a god, that can also go very badly very quickly. Communication and honesty are key.

But hey, dealer's choice. Just remember that any action has consequences.

[MobileBasset]

From a more practical viewpoint (rather than ethical), if he is running his PAP on auto, his machine will be trying to adjust to the best pressure and most likely the first issue is leakage. And you have pointed out the noise is what you are perceiving. We know that the data won't be completely valid if leakage is messing with the pressure adjustment. And he can't get proper therapy if his machine is fighting the leaks. So for this case, data is not necessary. I would suggest the first order of business would be to modify his face mask/chinstrap configuration. This does not require a trip to the doctor and does not negate the instructions from his doctor who he has trust in. It is just an adjustment to his facial geography. If you approach it in this manner and only require him to sense where the leaks are occurring and investigate yourself if his mouth is opening while he sleeps and other such clues you will be addressing the first problem. And then ask for his input on which masks/chin straps might be a good solution. You can do all the work of obtaining the masks/straps. I would be very surprised if he refused to give them a try.

[Mosquitobait]

You know, you can always remind him that married men live longer than single men because that have wives who nag them to go to the doctor or resolve a health issue. My BIL has lived an additional 10 years because of my sister's nagging. Hopefully another 10.

[AndyB]

A toughie, especially since we don't really know you and your husband. With that caveat, another possible way to approach this situation is to print out this thread and ask him to read it. Your genuine concern comes through clearly, as well as your desire to be respectful of his rights. It might be a way to prompt meaningful discussion without violating his trust (and since you and he are anonymous to us here, it's not as if you unmasked him to your friends and neighbors). Just an idea -- might not make sense in your situation, but thought I'd throw it out. Good luck!

[Mark Douglas]

You know, you can always remind him that married men live longer than single men because that have wives who nag them to go to the doctor or resolve a health issue. My BIL has lived an additional 10 years because of my sister's nagging. Hopefully another 10.

No. It only feels like we are living ten years longer