My spouse is in denial
I have been using nasal pillows for about 7 years. My husband has been very good about it until now. 2 things are going on:
1) I am mouth breathing and have tried the chin strap route, cervical collar, tongue trick, even taping. Still have large leaks. I can't seem to explain to him that leaks are bad and that they defeat the effectiveness of cpap. I am journeying into full face mask territory and he won't accept it.
2) Because he has seen me fall asleep in the car and I had no apnea he does not think I need cpap anymore. He also feels like when I sleep at nite with the machine he doesn't hear me stop breathing etc or gasping for air thus I do not need cpap.
He is an engineer, very intelligent, why can't he accept this? You guys know what a journey trying to get the right full face mask is. I would like to have support during this new challenge. Any advice?
2010 sleep study 63 AHI
RE: My spouse is in denial
I'm lucky in that my Wife supports me. But even if she didn't I'd do what I had to for my health. Just remember it's your health and that comes first.
RE: My spouse is in denial
(08-17-2017, 10:18 AM)readyforsleep Wrote: I have been using nasal pillows for about 7 years. My husband has been very good about it until now. 2 things are going on:
1) I am mouth breathing and have tried the chin strap route, cervical collar, tongue trick, even taping. Still have large leaks. I can't seem to explain to him that leaks are bad and that they defeat the effectiveness of cpap. I am journeying into full face mask territory and he won't accept it.
2) Because he has seen me fall asleep in the car and I had no apnea he does not think I need cpap anymore. He also feels like when I sleep at nite with the machine he doesn't hear me stop breathing etc or gasping for air thus I do not need cpap.
He is an engineer, very intelligent, why can't he accept this? You guys know what a journey trying to get the right full face mask is. I would like to have support during this new challenge. Any advice?
What do you mean he won't accept it?  It is not up to him to try new mask but up to you. Also, the idea is that you don't get apnea episodes when using your machine, so it is normal for him not to hear you choking for air.
08-17-2017, 11:53 AM
RE: My spouse is in denial
Chicago, he says he is just questioning me, but never accepts MY answers. I responded the same way you did but the answer was not sufficient. As I write this he sounds like a #! $# but normally he is not. Thanks for letting me vent.
Of course I will do what is needed regardless. It would just be nice for some understanding. When cpap works it is wonderful, here I am taping and still feel rotten!
2010 sleep study 63 AHI
RE: My spouse is in denial
(08-17-2017, 10:18 AM)readyforsleep Wrote: I have been using nasal pillows for about 7 years. My husband has been very good about it until now. 2 things are going on:
1) I am mouth breathing and have tried the chin strap route, cervical collar, tongue trick, even taping. Still have large leaks. I can't seem to explain to him that leaks are bad and that they defeat the effectiveness of cpap. I am journeying into full face mask territory and he won't accept it.
2) Because he has seen me fall asleep in the car and I had no apnea he does not think I need cpap anymore. He also feels like when I sleep at nite with the machine he doesn't hear me stop breathing etc or gasping for air thus I do not need cpap.
He is an engineer, very intelligent, why can't he accept this? You guys know what a journey trying to get the right full face mask is. I would like to have support during this new challenge. Any advice?
I'm an engineer, too, and we can be pistols to deal with . . . if you use Rescan or Sleepyhead, show him the data, where the flow limitations are, how the machine responds with increased pressure, etc., make it technical for him and show "therapy works" to counter the "therapy isn't needed" story. It'll line up more with his thought process.
RE: My spouse is in denial
Hi Ed, I will keep working that angle. I like your term pistol...Currently he doesn't understand why i can't tell him how I slept without looking at sleepyhead. He thinks I base how I feel on what the numbers say. He can't understand that I may be leaking all night but not know it.
I did ask him to take a look at sleepyhead and I would explain what I am looking at - he just said "ok I believe you". I am sleep deprived and ready to shoot him. Thanks for letting me vent.
2010 sleep study 63 AHI
RE: My spouse is in denial
(08-17-2017, 10:18 AM)readyforsleep Wrote: He is an engineer, very intelligent, why can't he accept this? You guys know what a journey trying to get the right full face mask is. I would like to have support during this new challenge. Any advice?
You can always tell an engineer..... but you can't tell him much 
Particularly if there is little memory of your experiences prior to being on therapy, it can be difficult. He likely does not remember the nights when you awoke for no apparent reason, particularly if there were no noteworthy events (maybe he thought that you simply got up to use the bathroom).
In the car, you are sitting up. Of course, this changes the orientation of the tissues in your throat, and this can and will significantly impact whether or not you will experience apnea events.
Not hearing you have any events when you are on the machine... that's what it's supposed to do.
As my wife often reminds me when I make a comment on some medical issue.... I am not a medical doctor. Neither is your husband. We are engineers.
You could, I suppose, "humor" him by going one night without using your machine, so that he can see that you do still indeed require therapy.
Another way to go might be to print out some charts from Sleepyhead for him where you can point out that you indeed DO still have active apnea events even while using the machine, and explain that they would be far worse without, and would be fewer with a properly fitting mask.
RE: My spouse is in denial
(08-17-2017, 02:04 PM)readyforsleep Wrote: Hi Ed, I will keep working that angle. I like your term pistol...Currently he doesn't understand why i can't tell him how I slept without looking at sleepyhead. He thinks I base how I feel on what the numbers say. He can't understand that I may be leaking all night but not know it.
I did ask him to take a look at sleepyhead and I would explain what I am looking at - he just said "ok I believe you". I am sleep deprived and ready to shoot him. Thanks for letting me vent.
I am surprised that one of the methods you mentioned (tape, strap, collar) hasn't solved the mouth leaking for you. I couldn't do the strap, tried the tape but was timid about it since I've always had hay fever and a deviated septum and worried I might plug up the nose (it hasn't happened with the air blowing in the nose, of course). The collar nailed it for me, I'd have to be pretty determined to have my mouth open for the 20-30 minutes over redline the graphs used to show. If you could tolerate the tape, did you consider maybe a combo of that and the collar?
I may have to pull our husband's degree, any offer of data must be accepted and embraced. Once he sees what the machine's inputs and responses are, he should be fascinated and want one of his own. Heck, use the word "algorithm" when you talk about it, he may get frisky. 
RE: My spouse is in denial
(08-17-2017, 03:03 PM)edfreeman Wrote: The collar nailed it for me, I'd have to be pretty determined to have my mouth open for the 20-30 minutes over redline the graphs used to show.
Ditto.
I don't think I've had a single mouth leak since switching to the collar, and it is much more comfortable than the chin strap that was only partially effective.
RE: My spouse is in denial
From another perspective - My wife has always looked upon me as her "crutch". To support her when times are bad, to carry her when she cannot walk, to lift her up when she cannot stand. We think of our significant others as this wall of strength and won't easily accept it when they have a (perceived) weakness. That maybe we are just as human as they are. My wife hated the idea of me having to wear this crap on my face at first but after a while, when she could fall a sleep at night and not have to listen to me snore, she kind of got used to it. I say kind of because she still reaches over to see if I am still there, still alive, at various times during the night. She thinks I don't notice it, that I don't wake up from it - like I am already having sleeping issues I don't need to be nudged awake right? - but I don't mind.
Only thing I can say is to talk to your husband, let him know you are still you. That you are doing this so you can be a part of his life for maybe just a little while longer. Every day is a gift. That's why they call it "the present."
Besides, if things ever did get, umm, frisky? that the mask is very easily removed. ;-)
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