Scared to death!

[OpalRose]

Had a very long day today. I've been busy. My husband's insurance company will not act without something from a Dr stating he has apnea. My word is not good enough. I am not his health care provider. I found out that he was asked about the apnea and denied having any sleep issues. His dr, thru his nurse, said his hands are tied. The police can't do anything because he has not caused any accidents and I have no medical proof that he has apnea. I can't change Dr's, it's my husband's choice not mine. He refused the pulse ox, says he doesn't need his O2 levels checked while he sleeps because he sleeps fine. I guess I could try to sneak it on him? I will address one thing... If I get the call that he has killed himself or others I will feel pain and sorrow the likes of which I cannot begin to articulate. But I won't feel guilt. My husband is a grown man. He makes the choice to ignore this problem on a daily basis.

Finally.... pgolson
Reading through this thread and waiting to hear you say "But I won't feel guilt."
I have a similar issue with my husband. He is on his way to our Doctor for his yearly physical. Surprisingly that he even does that, but he will never mention his sleeping issues. He just left the house, and I placed a call to Dr. Office, and asked nurse to ask the Doc. to question my husband about his sleeping, snoring, etc., but don't let on that I asked. Her response was what I expected....Hipaa laws, Blah, blah, blah,......my husband clearly sees that CPAP has changed me, but he is in denial about himself. He completely shuts me out if I bring the subject up.
You can only do so much. If you keep bringing the subject up, it just makes for a miserable existence. I know that in the end, I will be the one to suffer no matter what he does, but guilt?....no.
Good luck

[OMyMyOHellYes]

I have a similar issue with my husband. He is on his way to our Doctor for his yearly physical. Surprisingly that he even does that, but he will never mention his sleeping issues. He just left the house, and I placed a call to Dr. Office, and asked nurse to ask the Doc. to question my husband about his sleeping, snoring, etc., but don't let on that I asked. Her response was what I expected....Hipaa laws, Blah, blah, blah

God forbid that something bad should happen to him, but if it did, and the medical practice had been advised of a likely serious medical condition that they negligently ignored to assess in their evaluation and that could conceivably been a contributing factor to that outcome, especially had it been addressed and treated ...

There's lawyer words in there somewhere, Doc.

OMMOHY

[SaldusMiegas]

Mark,

I am sincerely sorry for your loss.

I have had our lives impacted by a suspected drunk driver who rear-ended a family member and inflicted life changing injury but not death. The other driver got off scot free and my wife spent a long time in a wheelchair which she eventually got out of (thank God). She lives in debilitating pain to this day and will probably be on pain meds the rest of her life. We were angry over the incident and devastated that there were no legal consequences to the offender. But we ultimately had to decide if we could let our anger consume us and poison the rest of our lives. I admit this is an ongoing struggle especially for my wife who lives with the consequences of the accident and the aftermath externally to her body and internally to her spirit. The other driver went on their way and they have not thought about it in years while my wife thinks about it every day. We have had to pick up the pieces and try to move on. But that is my story and it's a different one from yours.

I have not had the lives of loved ones taken from us by a drunk driver and I am supremely unqualified to judge or argue against your response and zealous advocacy to pgolson to take very drastic measures to prevent her husband from ever being the cause of something so terrible due to untreated SA. So I won't even try. You have a very valid perspective for pgolson to consider among all the inputs from members of this forum.

I stand by my earlier posts knowing they are informed by my own life experience and not what others might rightfully advocate. And I respect yours and other people's positions and advice to pgolson.

respectfully,

Saldus Miegas

[Mark Douglas]

Saldus Miegas thanks for your thoughts. It no longer consumes me and only comes to the fore when something reminds me of past events. I am aware anger is the acid that consumes the vessel in which it is contained. I think the lady is in a terrible situation and things like the HIPPAA "privacy rule" is just one more bit of doublespeak insanity in our world. I wish her no ill. I do however think she is in the state of learned helplessness and there is a good chance a competent therapist would advise her to stop enabling this man's destructive behavior if for no other reason than to protect herself.

[retired_guy]

....... and I placed a call to Dr. Office, and asked nurse to ask the Doc. to question my husband about his sleeping, snoring, etc., but don't let on that I asked. Her response was what I expected....Hipaa laws, Blah, blah, blah,......

Yep. Hipaa was invented to "keep us safe" by not letting anyone know our private medical issues. Fine, but I'm not sure it was ever intended to restrict "input," rather only "output." So my response to Mrs. Nurse would have been "Fine, I understand you will not share anything about my husband with me, but just be aware that if he should wake up dead one day I will be looking to your Dr. and your clinic to fund my grieving years since you have been told of an issue and have failed, in spite of your Hippocratic oath to address it."

There's lawyer words in there somewhere, Doc.

OMMOHY

Yeah, what he said.

.......... and there is a good chance a competent therapist would advise her to stop enabling this man's destructive behavior if for no other reason than to protect herself.

I think that is probably the bottom line.

[DariaVader]

I have to agree with pgolson that she is not responsible for his choices. There is a fine line between satisfying your own responsibilities and being a controlling spouse (substitute parent, relative, friend to expand the thought.) Where that line is in a particular circumstance just cannot come from outside the situation, government laws that turn everyone into each others nanny (and itself into the super nanny) notwithstanding! Sometimes the participants really do know best!

There are many suggestions she could feel free to consider with support rather than judgement, and she does need support in this situation, and a safe place to vent. pgolson, I hope that your husband will listen before it is too late, and I applaud your strength in dealing with this situation.

[archangle]

Had a very long day today. I've been busy. My husband's insurance company will not act without something from a Dr stating he has apnea. My word is not good enough. I am not his health care provider. I found out that he was asked about the apnea and denied having any sleep issues. His dr, thru his nurse, said his hands are tied. The police can't do anything because he has not caused any accidents and I have no medical proof that he has apnea. I can't change Dr's, it's my husband's choice not mine. He refused the pulse ox, says he doesn't need his O2 levels checked while he sleeps because he sleeps fine. I guess I could try to sneak it on him? I will address one thing... If I get the call that he has killed himself or others I will feel pain and sorrow the likes of which I cannot begin to articulate. But I won't feel guilt. My husband is a grown man. He makes the choice to ignore this problem on a daily basis.

!!!STOP!!! You're making the situation worse.

We need to all get some perspective here.

I'm sorry, but calling the police is going WAY too far. Even calling his insurance is over the line. Actions like this are much more likely to make the situation worse, not better.

You've betrayed his trust. He might never trust you again. I wouldn't.

Look at it from his standpoint or the standpoint of others. He's likely to be even more resistant to the idea of CPAP than before. You haven't done him any favors.

Something like that would end a lot of marriages, and then you'd both be divorced and he won't be on CPAP. Even if it doesn't end up in divorce, it could easily kill much of whatever love is left in your marriage.

You need to back off and try to use love to help him, not a club. You've probably ruined any chance you have to help him, but maybe you can do some good with a gentler approach in the future.

If he or your friends find out about this, you're now the the crazy woman obsessed about some quack medical diagnosis you're made on your own.

It's important to realize that even when you're "right," you are wrong if your actions are likely to make the situation worse rather than better.

[me50]

None of us know what the right answer is. She probably doesn't know.

I do have to say this though, and people might think they won't feel guilt if something bad happens (as she said in her post), however, those are words from a person that hasn't had that bad thing happen.

I speak from experience and I thought I would not feel guilty. Maybe guilt is not the right word but I do feel something very similar to guilt if it isn't guilt.

I don't know if there really is any more to be said on this topic. She needed to vent and she did vent. there is only so much a person or persons can do.

[Mich]

!!!STOP!!! You're making the situation worse.

We need to all get some perspective here.

I'm sorry, but calling the police is going WAY too far. Even calling his insurance is over the line. Actions like this are much more likely to make the situation worse, not better.

You've betrayed his trust. He might never trust you again. I wouldn't.

Look at it from his standpoint or the standpoint of others. He's likely to be even more resistant to the idea of CPAP than before. You haven't done him any favors.

Something like that would end a lot of marriages, and then you'd both be divorced and he won't be on CPAP. Even if it doesn't end up in divorce, it could easily kill much of whatever love is left in your marriage.

You need to back off and try to use love to help him, not a club. You've probably ruined any chance you have to help him, but maybe you can do some good with a gentler approach in the future.

If he or your friends find out about this, you're now the the crazy woman obsessed about some quack medical diagnosis you're made on your own.

It's important to realize that even when you're "right," you are wrong if your actions are likely to make the situation worse rather than better.
[/quote]


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This is going to sound harsh but there is absolutely no love in that marriage. His actions prove that he does not care about her. One thing is being disabled by no fault of one's own, but to let one partner in the marriage carry all the burden makes it no marriage at all! She is just being a masochist and will only leave him when the pain gets too much to bear. In the meantime I would get real good insurance on him because with his condition he will not last long. After cashing in on the insurance she can start loving his memory and saying great things about him. Right now he is not carrying his share of the load.

[retired_guy]

These posts are starting to get too judgmental. That's not what the OP asked for. She was looking for a safe place to vent, and this is one. Beyond that, I believe she is reaching out for help. We have given her lots to consider, so that's the best we can do.

For now, I believe both she and her husband need medical help. Physical and psychological. It doesn't sound like he will get that, but it is my sincere hope that the OP will follow up with professional counseling on her own to be able to deal with this tragic circumstance.

I know what I would do, and I have shared that. Beyond that, all I can do is wish her the very best in the days to come.