New Bed Partner - Disturbed Sleep

[DreamBreather]

Has anyone else ever experienced this?

Yes.  It's not uncommon at all, and you're not being absurdly sensitive.

One ex-GF was stressful in that way for me, although this was long before my sleep apnea was so noticeable that I had to go for a sleep study and start on CPAP.  She tended to want to cling, which (although it's obviously very nice in a lot of ways) I happen to be averse to with regard to restful sleep.  So after a few months I was getting quite sleep-deprived, and one day while shaving I noticed in the mirror that I had huge purple bags under my eyes from that.    At that point I said "Wait a minute; this isn't right."

Separate beds for sleeping can be not such a bad thing, depending on the individuals and the situation.  That doesn't have to cause a lot of resentment, etc., although it can if you're not careful.  I'm vaguely remembering an excellent quote from Lauren Bacall (I'm too lazy to look it up) in which she said something to the effect that men and women shouldn't really live together; they should live next door to each other and visit each other occasionally (or frequently; whatever works).

I'll also observe that anyone who might have undiagnosed sleep apnea should certainly go for a sleep study if insurance will cover it.  If no such luck, then yes, try an APAP machine, post Sleepyhead charts here for commentary, and find out what's what.  The choice of mask is a crucial point for initial, if you'll pardon the word, compliance.  Unfortunately, you can't assume that any random mask that happens to be on hand will be workable.  So it's the Big Mask Adventure all over again, this time for Person B rather than Person A.

Fats Drywaller,

Thank you for confirmation... my sleep deprivation is becoming more apparent too.  I agree with everything you said about how sleeping in separate rooms doesn't have to cause a lot of resentment.. and I despise 'clingy'.. LOL thankfully, that's not an issue.  I absolutely agree with Lauren Becall! What a concept...  Haha!

What I can tell from our PAP experiment on him... if he does have apnea, it isn't severe, it didn't even appear to be moderate.  Possibly mild, hard to tell with only 2 hours of data (I do think I noticed a central).  But the snoring is an issue.  Hoping my asking for feedback from everyone here, helps to give a little nudge in the direction of a sleep study.  **didn't seem to have a mask issue either, the one's I use fit him ok.

[mesenteria]

I think of that at-first odd direction from the cabin staff on an airliner while it is being pushed back and they are going through the emergency procedures.  They say to don your own mask first and then help others.  It might seem selfish, but really its highly pragmatic; you are going to BE IN a position to help others if you ain't passed out!!  So, if you're conscious, put on your own mask and then seek to be of assistance to people whose eyes might be starting to roll back.

In this respect, if you value each other and each other's health, and would like to maintain an otherwise strong relationship for at least a few more good years, you must deal with realities in a practical way.  If it means that you can snog for a while before actually wanting to sleep, that can always be arranged.  At some point, one of you is going to have to slip away and go to his/her own bed.  It might be difficult in a one-bedroom apartment, though.

My wife and I slept apart for several years, but eventually she pleaded with me to come back to the master bedroom.  I did, and all was well for a while, maybe a year.  Then, she developed apnea and loud snoring, still not addressed, to my consternation, but she's a work in progress.  I got her to wear a cervical collar which has helped tremendously.  My own apnea was diagnosed 15 months ago.  So, she still snores some, not as badly, and I have gone silent with treatment.

My wife is a poor sleeper and rises several times each night to go read or to watch TV.  Or, she just has to sit up and finds that the couch is best.  When she does leave, if I am alert to it, I often know I'm going to sleep better for the next while.  She's very considerate and doesn't make noise. Our mattresses are abutted together, but we each sleep on our own frames and deep memory-type foams so that tossing and turning doesn't interfere with the other's sleep.

Bottom line: you and he both need to get to REM sleep several times each night, and even deeper.  As that becomes more difficult, or elusive, you are both going to suffer, and eventually your relationship will be strained.  Figure this out.

[DreamBreather]

I think of that at-first odd direction from the cabin staff on an airliner while it is being pushed back and they are going through the emergency procedures.  They say to don your own mask first and then help others.  It might seem selfish, but really its highly pragmatic; you are going to BE IN a position to help others if you ain't passed out!!  So, if you're conscious, put on your own mask and then seek to be of assistance to people whose eyes might be starting to roll back.

In this respect, if you value each other and each other's health, and would like to maintain an otherwise strong relationship for at least a few more good years, you must deal with realities in a practical way.  If it means that you can snog for a while before actually wanting to sleep, that can always be arranged.  At some point, one of you is going to have to slip away and go to his/her own bed.  It might be difficult in a one-bedroom apartment, though.

My wife and I slept apart for several years, but eventually she pleaded with me to come back to the master bedroom.  I did, and all was well for a while, maybe a year.  Then, she developed apnea and loud snoring, still not addressed, to my consternation, but she's a work in progress.  I got her to wear a cervical collar which has helped tremendously.  My own apnea was diagnosed 15 months ago.  So, she still snores some, not as badly, and I have gone silent with treatment.

My wife is a poor sleeper and rises several times each night to go read or to watch TV.  Or, she just has to sit up and finds that the couch is best.  When she does leave, if I am alert to it, I often know I'm going to sleep better for the next while.  She's very considerate and doesn't make noise. Our mattresses are abutted together, but we each sleep on our own frames and deep memory-type foams so that tossing and turning doesn't interfere with the other's sleep.

Bottom line: you and he both need to get to REM sleep several times each night, and even deeper.  As that becomes more difficult, or elusive, you are both going to suffer, and eventually your relationship will be strained.  Figure this out.

mesenteria,

Yes, Yes and Yes!!!! 

I'm glad you and your wife have a good sleeping arrangement/understanding.  I hope her sleep improves soon!  I'm definitely going to look into a new bed... I've had my eye on a few.  We have plenty of room here... another bedroom, a main floor and a basement... I'm sure we'll find a way to get this sorted.  I so appreciate your feedback!!  The airline analogy had me rolling!!! LOL!  But SO very true!!

[SnoringInOregon]

I know I am now waking with every movement, and/or 'in and out' of the bed disturbances.  I didn't think I was that light of a sleeper, but I guess so.  AND, he snores... Ugh.... 

Mattresses are sold at very high markup, it's a scam, but maybe you need a different one ...

We have a Simmons Beautyrest mattress, it's been quite a while since we bought it, so others may have similar technology. The key to this particular brand is what they call "pocketed coils". These are individual springs that are in separate sleeves. The net effect is that you're very isolated from your partner's movements.

Even if I'm trying to notice it, I can't feel my wife get out of bed. The isolation is that good. Go to a mattress store and ask for a demo of a mattress that is designed to isolate you from your partner.

This doesn't solve the issue of being awakened or disturbed by cuddling. But it is really effective at isolating you from your partner's movements.

As for snoring, as you know, it could be a serious medical issue. But if you simply want to not hear the noise I find that disposable foam earplugs work very well. They are inexpensive. Try different brands before you buy a bulk supply. Just because they're "disposable" doesn't mean you can't reuse them for a week or more. My favorite brand is 3M. I just searched the Home Depot website for "orange disposable earplugs" and a pack of 7 pairs costs $3. 

[DreamBreather]

I know I am now waking with every movement, and/or 'in and out' of the bed disturbances.  I didn't think I was that light of a sleeper, but I guess so.  AND, he snores... Ugh.... 

Mattresses are sold at very high markup, it's a scam, but maybe you need a different one ...

We have a Simmons Beautyrest mattress, it's been quite a while since we bought it, so others may have similar technology. The key to this particular brand is what they call "pocketed coils". These are individual springs that are in separate sleeves. The net effect is that you're very isolated from your partner's movements.

Even if I'm trying to notice it, I can't feel my wife get out of bed. The isolation is that good. Go to a mattress store and ask for a demo of a mattress that is designed to isolate you from your partner.

This doesn't solve the issue of being awakened or disturbed by cuddling. But it is really effective at isolating you from your partner's movements.

As for snoring, as you know, it could be a serious medical issue. But if you simply want to not hear the noise I find that disposable foam earplugs work very well. They are inexpensive. Try different brands before you buy a bulk supply. Just because they're "disposable" doesn't mean you can't reuse them for a week or more. My favorite brand is 3M. I just searched the Home Depot website for "orange disposable earplugs" and a pack of 7 pairs costs $3. 

SnoringInOregon,

Thank YOU!!! These are great suggestions!  Much appreciated.