Scared to death!

[Mark Douglas]

His bad decisions are working for him. He's home, he's feed and clothed, he's fine.

Sometimes when a person is making bad decisions the only way to change that is to change the environment completely. If he were a practicing, knock down drunk that refused to get help, then the only recourse would be to kick him to the street. The hope being he would then finally agree to some life changing strategies.

This isn't much different. He's on a path to self destruction and isn't particularly interested in changing that. You must quit enabling him if you wish for him to ever change.

It's time for the "I've had enough" speech. The one that says you are no longer interested in watching him die a little at a time day after day, so he really needs to find someone else willing to do that. You don't need to debate the right or wrong of his physical condition with him anymore. You just need to stand firmly and say "Lie to yourself all you want, but for me? I've had enough."

That's tough love, but it is probably the only one that has any chance of keeping him alive.

+1 Time to stop carrying him.

[AlanE]

Are you saying try to enjoy him while he is here? A man waiting to die and won't accept any help?

If that was directed at me, then yes, that would be one of the choices. It appears to be the choice that has been made to date. waiting for the inevitable.
At least to me.

If he does end up suffering a stroke and require around-the-clock care, how much of a burden would that be? She's a nurse, she knows the answer.

You know, there is no law that says you can't call your spouse's doctor and let them know your concerns. You're not asking to discuss his medical history or his current treatment(s). In some cases, unless the spouse has specifically said not to disclose information to a spouse, HIPAA allows a provider to discuss some things with family.

[DariaVader]

You know, there is no law that says you can't call your spouse's doctor and let them know your concerns. You're not asking to discuss his medical history or his current treatment(s). In some cases, unless the spouse has specifically said not to disclose information to a spouse, HIPAA allows a provider to discuss some things with family.

Yup - I did that with my husband's doc. His sleep study is tomorrow nite

[AlanE]

Yup - I did that with my husband's doc. His sleep study is tomorrow nite

Good for you.

I bet he'll say it was a joke and they're not going to learn a thing. That's what I said. turned out I was way wrong.

[DariaVader]

Yup - I did that with my husband's doc. His sleep study is tomorrow nite

Good for you.

I bet he'll say it was a joke and they're not going to learn a thing. That's what I said. turned out I was way wrong.

He has watched me feeling better and sleeping better with jealousy... at this point, he is actually excited to see if it can help him. I'm actually not sure... He does snore very loudly, but he doesnt choke and struggle like I did, or like my 34 yr old son does. He is also trying to arrange a sleep study as a result of my nagging... I am betting on a severe diagnosis for my son.

[pgolson]

I thought I was clear when I said I can only speak to my husband's Dr with his permission. I am the one who will make his medical decisions if he is unable. Otherwise without his permission his Dr will not talk to me. I recently discovered this while trying to get help for his apnea. As for leaving or putting him out, I'm unaware of a clause in the marriage vows that gives me that option. Sickness and health right? Not sicknesses that your spouse will have treated. I do appreciate the advice I've received, but I knew when I asked for help that there is no simple answer. In my case I feel I've made my bed and now I'm laying in it. In my husband's case you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. I guess I came to this site to talk to someone who gets what I'm going thru. Or maybe someone who needs to get help will get it if for no other reason than to save their spouse the fear I live with daily.

[AlanE]

Actually not knowing where you are from, your laws may be different. Do you live in the USA?

[Mark Douglas]

I thought I was clear when I said I can only speak to my husband's Dr with his permission.

Yes is in your post #15. There is a lot to read here it's easy to miss something.

I am the one who will make his medical decisions if he is unable. Otherwise without his permission his Dr will not talk to me. I recently discovered this while trying to get help for his apnea. As for leaving or putting him out, I'm unaware of a clause in the marriage vows that gives me that option. Sickness and health right? Not sicknesses that your spouse will have treated.

Does he have a duty to care for himself so as not to be a burden to his wife? To be able to care for you if you have a disabling stroke today? Will he be able to care for you? How is HE honoring his vows? By treating you poorly? By forbidding you access to his doctor? Is HE all in? If he does not love himself can he treat you in a loving matter?

I do appreciate the advice I've received, but I knew when I asked for help that there is no simple answer. In my case I feel I've made my bed and now I'm laying in it. In my husband's case you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.

If your child were a drug addict refused treatment and the only way to possibly "get to him" was throw him out and let him learn for his self would you do it? Or would you provide a comfortable home and buy his poison?

Do your marriage vows include a duty to martyr yourself? Are you wallowing in martyrdom or possibly guilt?

I guess I came to this site to talk to someone who gets what I'm going thru. Or maybe someone who needs to get help will get it if for no other reason than to save their spouse the fear I live with daily.


I recently told my wife if she died because she refused to investigate if she has OSA and treat if necessary I would p*** on her grave. She has agreed to a home study which can be done for just $250.

If your best friend was in your position and came to YOU for help what would you tell her?
Dear lady please talk to someone about your mental health. If you are depressed how can you make rational decisions? Are you taking care of YOU? If you don't care for you how can you care for anyone else? Vaya con Dios.

[pgolson]

No, I don't feel he's honoring his vows by refusing help. And. I'm not going to debate honoring of the marriage vows. For religious and other reasons, leaving my marriage or threatening to leave is not an option. The threat would not be carried out and he knows that. Not on these grounds anyway. As for martyrdom, aside from a few very close friends who have tried to help, ( one with severe sleep apnea), no one would ever think there was a major issue like this going on in my marriage. I don't wear this as some kind of badge. " Oh look what I endure". Most people just see that my husband is overweight. Honestly I can't say that his Dr has not discussed apnea with him. All I know is that when I brought it up, I was shut down immediately. So the issue was raised. I have no way of knowing if I was even taken seriously. The Dr will not discuss my husband with me. Period. As for guilt, I call it regret at times, that I can honestly say in retrospect that I saw glimpses of this part of my husband's personality before marriage. I did not recognize it for what it was. I am not the type to wallow in self pity. I made the choice I made. No one else. I have opened up on this site about this more than I have with anyone. No one knows of my fears about his kidney. Most know nothing about his transplant. When others bring up their husbands' medical issues, I keep silent on mine. While I have opened up here, I don't care to complain to my friends and associates. When my husband still refused to get help when someone we are very close to ( male) told him of his apnea, I think I realized that he would not act on this because he refuses to see this as his problem. We lost a dear friend, male, age 55 suddenly and very unexpectedly, three weeks ago. It moved some of our friends who had been putting off check ups to get them. Not my husband. He did go for a walk with me once. Maybe I've said too much here. I needed to finally say what is on my mind.

[Mark Douglas]

My father was a Latin Mass Catholic. I know all about marriage being a covenant. In fact I stayed married to my Catholic ex-wife even though we were both miserable as were our children until she had the good sense to leave me. All four of us are better off now days. YMMV.

I get it now. Women want to vent. How many men have heard "I don't want you to fix it. I just want you to listen !!!! " which drives men nuts because we don't want unhappy wives. We wanna fix it! That is what we do....

So you have vented and I will mind own business. But you did ask did you not?

BTW: Do you know can lead a horse to water but cannot make it drink ? Possibly. Just possibly that might apply to you too?