Scared to death!

[pgolson]

My husband started out about 5 yrs ago with mild sleep apnea. ( undiagnosed) I'm a nurse and he laughed it off whenever I told him that he has apnea. I've had many patients over the years with apnea so I had no doubt. Now, after 5 yrs he has episodes of apnea ALL night long. I have recorded him with hopes that this will motivate him to get help but he refuses to accept that the silence on the recording is him not breathing. He can go 60 seconds or more without breathing. On average it's about 30 seconds. But like I said it can be more than twice that. This goes on most of the night every night. The snoring is very loud, but that is nothing compared to the periods of apnea. I was taking Benadryl to get to sleep and again during the night otherwise I would be up all night monitoring him. We now sleep in separate rooms. Which he thinks puts an end to me "thinking" he has apnea. Yes I do sleep much better now, but when I get up to use the restroom during the night, even from the other side of the house I hear him snoring, then the long pause, then the gasping for air......then it starts over again. He even denies that he falls asleep during conversations during the day. I can be in the process of answering a question or waiting for a response from him......he's out cold. This goes on any time he sits for more than a few minutes. I just stop talking and go on to do something else. I'm sorry to go on and on but I am terrified. Can anyone help me to get thru to him? I've even told him of my fear of finding him dead one morning and he laughs about it. After listening to the recording of him sleeping he said he only heard normal " maybe 6 second pauses" in his breathing. I will say he never admits to anything being wrong with him. The apnea has gotten worse as his weight has increased. He's got the belly fat where his pants are buckled way under his belly. He's about 65 or more pounds overweight. I thought if I took an interest in getting fit he would too. Well I'm in much better shape. Actually running for the first time in my life. If I bring up his weight, he finds something to criticize me about. I need help!

[retired_guy]

He's probably frightened. He doesn't know what to expect if he goes in for testing, and he would just as soon not do that. I think you need to get tough with him, but compromise. Tell him you have had enough, that you cannot live this way any longer. Tell him that you can make arrangements for a home test so that he doesn't need to go to the hospital.

But the symptoms you describe, and the life you are living sound just like the one my wife lived with me. Except, in the end, for the refusing to go test part. I will say that in my case if I had continued to not be tested the day would have shortly come that I would have wrecked the car. No question about it. The concern over possibly killing other people is what made me willing to seek help.

I get that he's "invincible," because I was.

If he was willing to talk with someone I would be more than willing to do that, but he more than likely would just see this as more invasion of his space.

You're in a tough spot. I'm sorry for that. But I think the only way out of this is to be even tougher. You do not need to either wake up and find him dead, or get a phone call to tell you he or others are dead.

[Mark Douglas]

I'm about the same age and shall we say a tiny bit stubborn.
My question is he this way with everyone or just you?
I tend to be more stubborn with my wife as her trying to help me as it can feel like "mom" telling me what to do. As a group Women see this a being helpful and men see it as bossy.
My suggestion is you try to enlist someone he respects to council him.
BTW my wife and I both have OSA however she is stubborn as a locust post and doesn't believe me she has it either. I sleep when I do with ear bud style earphones crammed into my ears with a brown noise sound generator to drown her out. Unfortunately I think that is aggravating my hearing loss....


Good luck!

[AlanE]

I'm the same way as your husband. What finally convinced me was a combination of things that happened.

• Tired of being fat.
  
• Tired of waking up and feeling like I needed to go to sleep
  
• Tired of not being able to drive home without doing the head bobbing.
  
• No desire to do anything! Nothing.
  
• Tired of being tired.
  
• Then my wife talked to me about my sleep/snoring/stop breathing and she started crying about my 'sleep' (and her lack of sleep).
  

When I went to my GP for a checkup, I still couldn't bring it up. Why? I don't know. You know how guys are; if we're not profusely spewing blood over the walls, we don't seek medical help.

He left the room for something and while he was gone, I looked over the pamphlets on his wall. One was about weight control. I grabbed one and was reading through it when he came back in the room. I kind of jokingly said I wish there was something I can do about this and waved the weight loss pamphlet at him. Of course his response was, "Why don't you exercise?" This had me saying, "yeah right, I have no energy or desire to do anything anymore." That was when he asked, "How are you sleeping?" The rest is history. My path was lit and all I had to do was walk it.

If your husband is the same way about talking to his doctor, go with him to the doctor and ask to go into the exam room with him. You bring it up to the doctor if he won't. He might get mad, but eventually he will see that you saved his life.

[trish6hundred]

Hi pgolson,
WELCOME! to the forum.!
I agree with what has been said so far.
I'm so sorry for the position you are in and I can see why you would be scared and terribly frustrated at the one you love who won't listen to you.
Tell him that you have had enough of living like this.
Hang in there for more responses to your post and much success to you, good luck, I know this is very difficult for you, get tough, I know it's really rough, but you can do it.

[AlanE]

I can't post the link but if you go to youtube and do a search for "The straight honest truth about Sleep Apnea and CPAP" the guy was funny at times but he did bring up some good points.

[trailrider]

Well, nodding off in mid-conversation is an indicator he is not fit to drive. Fear of having his driver license pulled might make him take this seriously.
My husband was like yours but about dentists. I broached it several times and finally asked when he would make the appointment, or would I? And then I followed up and confirmed when it was. Then I called the dentist and talked with her about what concerns I had and his past (bad) experiences. I think it all worked out okay for us because the dentist had advance notice of what she had to deal with and could adjust accordingly.

So I think you should call up your doctor and leave a note and description of everything you have said here. Then arrange for them to call him in for "an annual". Yeah, some here will call it devious, etc. I figure it's doing what you have to when dealing with someone in denial. For him, inertia and denial is easier than facing it.

My 2 cents worth.

[eseedhouse]

Does your husband ever go to a doctor? Even for an annual checkup? If so you need to get to the doctor and tell him what you think. Some people will ignore their relatives and closest friends but will listen when a doctor confronts him with the truth and orders a sleep test.

Other than that I can only suggest getting his friends on your side and staging an "intervention" or maybe you might need to do something as dramatic as walking out and telling him you won't be back until he has had the sleep study and gotten on therapy.

I'm not married so it's easy for me to make that last suggestion, so I hope you feel fee to reject it. Your husband seems to be in deep denial that may well kill him, and it may be time to do something drastic.

[Napmeister]

Have to reply to this one, hits too close to home. I was a leader amongst men in this department. King of stubborn in some areas, yet very open minded in other areas of life. What finally wore me down was the wife's emails through the day. She had to repeat her messages many times, she kept telling me how important I was to her and how much she cared and wanted me around for a long time to come.

I'd been tested and told to come in for the trial machine but kept dragging it out because, I didn't want anything to do with a machine that was going to sit unused, in the corner of a closet. Year and a half later, one email finally got to me and figured I'd better go just to shut her up.

You know the rest of the story... I'm here, and feeling a lot better, what an idiot I can be.

Occasionally there is a well written post or two here that describes the benefits some have experienced, possibly some cut and pasting by yourself will give him some insight into the dangers and benefits of sleep. If you can get him to read one page of info.

[me50]

a video recording of him sleeping is pretty hard to deny even if he doesn't admit it. Other members have given you some good ideas to start. I hope you can convince him to get a sleep study because he, as you said, could wake up dead, but, just as bad, he could have a stroke, heart attack or some other medical issue that leaves him incapacitated where he can do very little if anything for himself.

My husband started out about 5 yrs ago with mild sleep apnea. ( undiagnosed) I'm a nurse and he laughed it off whenever I told him that he has apnea. I've had many patients over the years with apnea so I had no doubt. Now, after 5 yrs he has episodes of apnea ALL night long. I have recorded him with hopes that this will motivate him to get help but he refuses to accept that the silence on the recording is him not breathing. He can go 60 seconds or more without breathing. On average it's about 30 seconds. But like I said it can be more than twice that. This goes on most of the night every night. The snoring is very loud, but that is nothing compared to the periods of apnea. I was taking Benadryl to get to sleep and again during the night otherwise I would be up all night monitoring him. We now sleep in separate rooms. Which he thinks puts an end to me "thinking" he has apnea. Yes I do sleep much better now, but when I get up to use the restroom during the night, even from the other side of the house I hear him snoring, then the long pause, then the gasping for air......then it starts over again. He even denies that he falls asleep during conversations during the day. I can be in the process of answering a question or waiting for a response from him......he's out cold. This goes on any time he sits for more than a few minutes. I just stop talking and go on to do something else. I'm sorry to go on and on but I am terrified. Can anyone help me to get thru to him? I've even told him of my fear of finding him dead one morning and he laughs about it. After listening to the recording of him sleeping he said he only heard normal " maybe 6 second pauses" in his breathing. I will say he never admits to anything being wrong with him. The apnea has gotten worse as his weight has increased. He's got the belly fat where his pants are buckled way under his belly. He's about 65 or more pounds overweight. I thought if I took an interest in getting fit he would too. Well I'm in much better shape. Actually running for the first time in my life. If I bring up his weight, he finds something to criticize me about. I need help!